Maybe you’re at work and you take a break. You check your texts, maybe your personal email — maybe it’s your voicemail. You get a message from your child, and it reads something like this:

“Please don’t be mad. There’s something I have to tell you and I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re going to like this and I’m afraid you’re not going to believe it.”

“I’m transgender.”

“I know you’re not going to believe me and I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but I’m embarrassed and ashamed.”

Maybe this is something you sense might take place, because you know your child. Perhaps, he/she has been dressing a certain way, suddenly cutting off all their long hair that you love, or maybe they’re only taking a shower once a week because they hate their body.

Well, you’re not alone. Here’s what I suggest to help guide you so that the overall experience is a kind and supportive one. It’s likely just the start of a lengthy adjustment period for everyone concerned, and while there are lots of things to figure out, approaching it the ‘right’ way from the beginning can ultimately strengthen the parent-child bond.

1. Avoid a visceral reaction, like becoming defensive and angry — this will only shut your child down. They will have just told you something that they wish they never had to disclose to anyone. They may be experiencing extreme shame and guilt. They don’t expect you to know what to do as most youth are trying to figure it out themselves. You’re not supposed to know what to do next, period. More than anything else, the child wants to know that you love and support them no matter what — if you bring yourself to express this, even if you are shocked and in disbelief, I can assure you that this will go a long way.
2. Don’t panic. Find a quiet spot, maybe outside, and close your eyes. Breathe. Take several deep breaths and try to remain calm. Take some space. Speak to your spouse, if possible. Do not share with friends or relatives at this stage, as you and your family have a lot to discuss beforehand.
3. Next, promise yourself that you will listen to your child and you will hear them out. At this point, we don’t know where it’s going to go. Maybe their gender expression is female or they like being non-binary or they just wanted to tell you so that they didn’t have to stay closeted.
4. Have a conversation in whatever form allows the child to express themselves in their totality and then ask if he/she is open to feedback and/or how they would like you to respond. Ask them to tell you what they need from you. Your child will have just done something they that they feel is the hardest thing they’ve EVER had to do. So, think about this: how many kids — or how many people, for that matter — want to be transgender knowing that their lives are going to be significantly more challenging, knowing that many people will hate them; knowing that much of our society will not understand them and that they might have a harder time finding a spouse or a good job?

Of course, you’re going to have lots of questions, at this point, and I promise you that you will find answers to those questions. But you have to remind yourself that you’re likely in shock right now. You can’t believe it, and you may refuse to believe it. Fortunately, in the last 5 years, so many support groups have sprouted, great books have been published, camps for LGBTQ kids have been created, and conferences for both youth and their parents have become commonplace. So, understand that you are not alone. You will soon discover that so many families have been in your shoes and they have figured out ways to deal with it. In some cases, it can’t be dealt with and that’s part of the larger story as well.

Should a scenario like this play out for you, please remember that your child is coming out to you and they likely understand it’s serious. They know it’s a life-changer, not only for themselves but for their family, friends, etc.

As a family therapist with 30+ years of experience, I want you to know that parenting a child who grapples with issues of gender identity is a long, difficult journey, and not one that any parent would choose. Managing your own mental/emotional well-being, and that of your child, is paramount — but how all of this connects to practical matters related to schooling and social interactions, among other things, also play a part here. Just reading this may seem overwhelming, but know that you’re not alone.

If you find yourself in this unique situation, go slow and steady as you and your family chart the course. There’s a LOT of discovery ahead and there’s no singular course of action. I invite you to contact me, directly, to see if I can serve as an experienced guide for everyone involved. My cell phone number is (310) 963-7393 or you may email me: caseymft@genwell.org

I love the work that I do and I take immense pride in helping families emerge stronger and more stable when gender identity questions present challenges. I look forward to speaking with you.